Currently: Quarantine in Los Angeles Edition

Life has been so achingly sweet.

…You know, besides the ton of bricks that settles on my chest like clockwork every night as I turn the lights off for bed. That, and the restless legs. And the panic when I consider job-hunting in this reality, or the uncertainty of the changed world that awaits us on the other side of shelter-in-place. The guilt that rides swiftly into my little oasis when I think of those who are out there making it possible for my family to be here. The ocean of helplessness I’m suspended in each time I hear of another lay-off, another wedding postponed, another person who is sick and anxiously awaiting test results.

But that coexists with joy and gratitude. I have found so much of both daily. So much that I’m constantly bowled over. I thought that along with All the Feelings, I’d share more of what my little slice of Camp Quarantine looked like in April.

The Handoff

After quarantining for two weeks in Phoenix, Leah handed me off at the California/Arizona border where I met my dad, a mask, and a jug of hand sanitizer. Since, I haven’t left my sister’s house in Los Angeles outside of daily backyard hangouts.

Leaving Arizona physically also marked a shift in focus and routine. I had all the time and space in the world in Phoenix to “work on myself,” to loll about reading books on front porches and going on leisurely morning walks.

In LA… not so much. I’ve been aunt-nannying my baby niece who is almost two months out of open heart surgery, and my 3 year old nephew who spent the better part of April getting potty-trained. Overnight, my focus went from “me, me, me” to KIDS KIDS KIDS. Do you need to pee, what do you want for breakfast, no you can’t have chocolate for breakfast, are you okay, should we read a story, yes you have to do your Zoom class today, are you sure you don’t need to pee, please just 3 more bites of lunch, do you need a snack, it’s naptime. No, you can’t skip nap time. Do you need to pee? Please don’t pull your sister’s hair. Let’s go pee.

For someone who is ruthless about protecting my ‘me time,’ much to my boyfriend’s chagrin, this new normal has taken some getting used to. But dare I say, I’ve actually felt lighter than ever? Maybe it’s because I don’t have the time or energy to dwell on much else beyond what’s next on the kids’ schedule. Or, maybe, it’s just that hanging out with kids lends an entirely different perspective to what we’re facing. Whatever it is, I’m grateful.

Childhood Redux

I think the last time we spent this much time together, it was 2002. My sister hadn’t left for college, my dad wasn’t on the road for work as often. I’ve been brought right back… with a few added people and cats, that is.

Seven of us are tucked away in a three-bedroom home teeming with love and noise. And also pee, poop, and vomit at times. I’m overwhelmed by the always on-ness of it all, but am overcome with deep gratitude. For being here, safe, together. For the opportunity to watch the kiddos develop week-over-week.

Two weeks ago, she fumbled with her palms to grab at food. Seemingly overnight, she’s mastered pincering. Pincering! Her first word, first noodles, a new version of her cheesy grin. What a gift. And my nephew! The funny things he says, the clever tricks he plays. The tough questions that keep me and Alexa on our toes. The distinct pleasure he finds in a piece of chocolate or a song that’s been on repeat eight times over. It forces us to see the magic in it all, knowing this too shall pass.

Pain and joy, together threading this Quarantine tapestry. Around 5pm, I’m usually hiding. I’m exhausted, drowning in noise and just need two minutes to think to myself. But then I’ll hear Meeks say something funny in the other room, and I’ll miss him so much I’ll go find him to play for a few more minutes before bed. And! Even though we’re all melting in the LA heatwave with no air-conditioning, I get to watch a kid enjoy his popsicle and splash around in his new water toys, and the sun just feels so damn good on my shoulders. The fatigue and the razzle-dazzle, the anxiety and the delight.

April Challenges

Really, the one challenge that stood out was finding time for myself.

From the moment my nephew burst into the room at 7am shouting “Wake up!!!” to his bedtime at 8pm, I’d be surrounded by people all day. I’d collapse into bed at 8pm with no energy for anything other than a couple of episodes of Schitt’s Creek. Forget working out, calling friends, or writing. Once, I had to negotiate with my nephew just to go to the bathroom for five minutes. I have newfound respect for all parents, that’s for sure.

April Highlights

• The whole family together and healthy. Sometimes my mind drifts to how I’d feel if any one of us was not in this house during this time, and I realized my anxiety would be through the roof.
• Without a doubt, the backyard has been the MVP of our SIP. We picnic out there most weekends, and its shady spots have been a glorious reprieve.
• My birthday! I never thought I’d turn 27 (which I always thought would be My Year out of all the years) in such a way, but it was filled with love and treats and the realization that I have everything I could possibly want or need.
• Easter. We egg-hunted and ordered donuts and dressed the baby up as a duck. Holy heck it was a cute day.
• Figuring out a schedule for Meeks. The structure has made us all feel more productive and a little more in control!
• The handful of minutes I find here and there to FaceTime a few friends, complete a Spanish lesson on Duolingo, read a few paragraphs on Scribd, or do a NYTimes crossword.
• Weekend rituals: sneaking into my mom’s bed to snuggle, takeout, baking, and watching a movie or a show after the kids go to bed.

Gosh, this was a wordy one.

See: All the Feelings. With that said, it’s been the most surreal, unexpected, extraordinary time, which I just couldn’t say no to documenting.

Hope you’re safe and healthy and finding the time and ways to nurture yourself, wherever you are <3